May 1st

So, yes, I announced the May 1st date of cut off. Was it wrong. Naw. A bit precocious. Naw.

It is time especially if you are willing to do anything different. I am tired of excuses. I am tired of being on your terms. I am tired of you not sacrificing. I have bent over backwards to an extent and you have not felt one bit uncomfortable at any time. No, we can't do this, no I wanna stay in. This was not done to in any attempt to make you change or force change. Instead I had to do it for me. Somethings are required and since the other things I request do not occur.....something has gotta give! That is all in a nutshell.

And the response back. Typically. Well, I lack self control so I guess that means you shouldn't come over. WTF! We are there...really. Too old for that. But, ok. Your call. Guess we're back to texts, tweets, and WWF until that too falls off.

It's Monday. My life. Is not my own.

Operation donor going into effect. Poppa will have to get over disappointment or his wife will grow old and heartbroken without a grandchild of her own. I can't please everyone ALL of the time.....

Peace.

him

I recently had drinks with a person from my past and he referred to himself as my ex. ( I don't give him that title) He typically surfaces when things are not well in his life....like in his second divorce in the last 3-4 years. He jokingly stated sorry he couldn't give me a degree for all the things he taught me to avoid in my future since I gave him 4 years of my existence, we laughed. This came after me telling him how the current man doesn't do titles. He was like why would you do that again to yourself. I tried to clean it up by saying but it's not the same. Maybe its the love talking.

So, I am ranting because I like this man a lot, but he won't put himself aside and do anything I want to do. Meaning going out somewhere, being out somewhere. I like to go. I can stay too, but not when he is just working. Everything is on his terms and I am starting to grow annoyed. Its like I am here alone except when he wants me to come over, come over, eat the same meal ("cause its not like we're eating together")... I think I am fooling myself. He doesn't like ultimatums, but I have had enough. So like it's said...if we're meant to be he'll come back.

On the flip side, he tolerates my every crazy move. Mood. Reaction. Rantings. Drama session. Just so...I don't know. At a lost.

Rant Time

I have really been doing well lately on not ranting as much, but after this weekend I feel like I need a new place of release. Since I am unable to verbally rant with people as it comes back and smacks you hard across the face writing will be my outlet.

I am a 28 year old woman that lives in her parents home again. That was my mistake. I moved far away because I needed to "get a fresh start" I desired to get away since moving to this God awful place all those years ago. I vowed after college graduation I would make my move and I did. After 3 years I decided to come back. Yeah, I was alone, and away from everyone, parents, friends, friends kids, God child but I needed it for me. I needed my sense of ownership...where I was not in the shadows of being some one's "child." I also learned that my mother was depressed about my living so far and not being able to have me close. Yet she is the reason for the blog.

I have been back uhh 7 months now, and I knew eventually I would get to the point where I again dreaded being here. I work in Lawrence just to get away each day and not encounter "Topeka people". While all the same people I once talked to still live in Topeka I see none of them really. There is a man in my life, but not to the extent as I would like. There are others around but I vowed to cut off people this year 2014 trying to give more of me to him. (You can say a mistake) Here I am falling, while trying to prevent myself because I don't know if it's too soon. And how can you fall for someone you hardly know.

So I haven't been in the mood of going to Antioch lately. I probably missed all of March...who knows. I am just over that place like I was when I was away. All I hear are my parents complain about things going on...my mom has had her feelings hurt more than on one occasion. My vibes are off for being there. I thought I missed the closeness of being in a church home of people who know you, but not when they remember you as a child and don't  see you as an adult with a mind of your own.

It's the third week of April....I am finally going back to church for Easter. Heathen, I know.
Until next time....